shit...

feel like shit

don't want to take my meds

don't want to go to counselling tomorrow

but i will...

feel sooooo shit

loneliness

went to a beautiful wedding last weekend

another one of my friends growing up, moving on

i feel like i am being left behind

engaged

married

having kids

am i the only one who still wants to enjoy a beer with mates on a sunny afternoon?

i've got nothing else

loneliness

that's it

i can't get no satisfaction...

starting to feel that overwhelming urge to stop my meds

i want that high

have been giving myself those little physical rushes that are so condemned...

getting hard to hide

or do i just not care anymore?

no-one is looking at me anyway

i have found some more subtle ways, but the rush is not so intense

doesn't always satisfy

how is it any different to someone who gets a rush from skydiving, piercing, or motorsport?

people have found many ways to be self-destructive and reckless in socially acceptable ways

lucky them, hey?

to get their satisfaction and not be judged

where do you draw the line?

is tattooing any different to scarification?

tell me how...

the fragile...

she shines in a world full of ugliness

she matters when everything is meaningless

fragile, she doesn't see her beauty

she tries to go away

sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving

i can't watch her slip away

i won't let you fall apart

she reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by

hoping someone will see

if i could fix myself, i'd ...

but it's too late for me

i won't let you fall apart

we'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide

i'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side

but they keep picking, and picking...

picking, and picking...

it's something i have to do

i was there too

before everything else

i was like you

"The Fragile" Nine Inch Nails

- myoo

back again...

Well hi there.

I just can't seem to shake this blog off.

Reading back over it, well it means a lot to me...

These sporadic posts of the last 5 years are still relevant to my life today.

So the traditional update...

I am single again.

Lasted 3 and a half years, again.

Seems I have a relationship limit.

Heh.

Thinking back to when I first started this blog, 2004, I guess I have come a pretty long way.

- 2004 -

Living with Chris in Highton.

Just starting on medication and counselling.

Experiencing wild mood changes and mixed episodes from bipolar.

Social anxiety out of control, turning to agoraphobia...

Struggling on with IT at Deakin...

- 2009 -

Living in South Geelong with housemates and pets

Fairly consistent with my medication, but can't seem to hold down a mental health professional...

Moods are greatly stabilised by medication, but swinging still present.

Social anxiety hard to live with, but I am living with it...

Struggling with the social aspect of school, loving the content.

Architectural Drafting - yay!

Certainly the most notable change is that in 2004 I barely left the house, even to go to the letterbox.

Now, I leave the house 3 or 4 days a week, with varying success...

Sometimes I have a panic attack, sometimes I cope well, sometimes i appear to cope well but then collapse in a heap when i get home.

My ability to cope with the anxiety seems to be dependent on my moods...

So, I dunno...

I've been thinking about trying to create a more coherent blog, regarding my life experience with bipolar, depression, and anxiety disorders.

I know I am not though it yet, but I feel I have learnt a lot since it all began...

I'm sure I have something to offer people who are dealing with these issues, and their families.

I sometimes think I could write a book on it.

Not that I could write a book, but I'm sure I could fill one...

lol

ramble ramble

ramble

- kat

Oops...

My brain is broken.
Hahaha.
Not funny, really...
Had my levels checked to decide which meds to increase, and which to add into the mix...
Feel really crappy, and for once am looking forward to medication...
I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
One more hour till my blood test results are in...
I've been thinking a lot lately about how much the bipolar has affected my life...
It's been such an intense part of me for so many years, I feel without it I don't know myself...
Who am I if not that crazy, life-of-the-party, hardworking Kat?
What about the cynical, sarcastic, dark Kat?
Now I am just average, boring, in-between Kat...
I don't think my family or friends understand the extent to which this affects me...
I've read of others feeling the same way, on the medication you feel that you lose your personality....
Ahhhh but I must stop thinking about it...
On the positive side of life - I got into the drafting course I wanted so I am both scared and excited about that.
Scary 'cause I haven't been on campus since my breakdown...
Excited because I enjoy working and it's a big change to my last course!
No more IT - hoorah!
End.

new year depression...

you know, at the end of last year i was so happy...
hooray no more uni!
it's over
the relief...
but now... i feel useless...
like what the hell am i doing?
what do i WANT to do?
i have no idea, i have no direction...
my friends are all finishing up this year, getting jobs, finishing degrees...
i feel so lost
litterally lost
like i am standing in the middle of some huge, strange place... and i don't even know where to look...
i don't even know who i am... what i enjoy...
is it me? what i remember from before? before the medication... when i enjoyed things?
or am i this... this mellow... flat person... or is this just what the drugs have made of me?
i am so indiferent to everything...
when i was manic i loved things... i loved to work, i loved to play, i was very active...
when i was depressed i tended to draw and listen to music
so bipolar me was very bubbly, and artistic, crazy... really...
medicated me doesn't "love" anything, she seems... detached...
the things she does now amuse her for a short while, but get old quickly...
is there something wrong with me?
or was it wrong before... and now i'm normal?
i feel like i have been two completely different people...
which one is ME?
i suppose this is me...
good, normal, medicated kat...
i just like to think maybe it isn't, because i'm not happy and i want to give myself a reason why
the real reason i am unhappy is surely my low self esteem...
tho it is improving... it is slow to build... very slow...
much easier without the bouts of depression tho...
just without the highs it feels so... average...
i know, intellectually, that i am better off without them... but i WANT them... they are happiness, they are fun...
the only thing that brings me great joy is love...
my two greatest pleasures are big hugs and my little kitten...
but that's hardly going to evolve into a career...
i also think maybe i need to deal with this stuff before i can find out what i want...
but then i also think moving towards the thing i want would be good for my self esteem...
it's like a catch 22
hehehe
well this has been a long-ish rant which i'm sure noone will read, judging by the comments on my previous post...
but as usual it felt good to set it all down in front of me...
i will probably stillponder it all day...
but... you know... what can i do?
heheh
byebye from kat, and her kitty who s sleeping on her lap <3
=^_^= myaa